hiding.

Sometimes it’s hard not to hide behind the jokes and smiles.  Sometimes it’s hard to admit  I feel alone, unwanted, and unneeded. Making people laugh is easy, spending time with people is enjoyable, but deep down, I feel alone.  I am missing fulfilling, deep, life-giving friendship where I am known, loved, and forgiven.  I have grown so much and learned so much about myself in the past year and a half, but I have grown in independence, and as a result my heart is empty despite the constant people around me.

I feel alone in a room full of people.

In a sense it’s because I’ve lost a dear friendship, but I don’t think that’s the only reason why I feel alone.  I have also grown incredibly busy where my time is spent either teaching or working at Chick-Fil-A.  There is no down time for me, and when there is down time, I’m sleeping.  I’ve realized over the past year for me making friends is so easy.  I’m comfortable to be around, I can make people laugh, I can quickly find people to have a good time with.  As a result, I have a lot of “friends” or people I’d be comfortable spending time with.  But because of my likability, I’ve spread myself thin.  I know people only on a surface level, and therefore there are very few friends that I feel comfortable being fully myself around.  And sometimes even them, I fear just being.

As a result, I hide behind words, behind definitions, behind choices, to cover up who I actually am.  Maybe it’s my own fault for not being able to fully trust people with who I am.  I’ve been hurt, broken, rejected, abandoned, and sometimes it feels safer to keep a safe distance with people.

I’ve broken myself into pieces which I individually hand pick which parts to reveal to each of my friends.  So no one fully knows me, and also so I don’t put all my trust in one person.  Maybe this is healthy, but it sure doesn’t feel very thrilling, exciting, or fulfilling;  I guess healthy doesn’t really mean anything of those things.

How often do we do this in general?  How easy is it for us as a generation to hand pick who we are to people?  When we live in a world of social media, this is so easy.  When the words we say are recorded for all of history to read, we have as long as we want to figure out which words to type out and post on someone’s wall, or text to someone’s phone.  As a generation we’ve lost the ability and sense to be vulnerable, real, and honest with each other.  We hide behind the jokes and smiles, forget who we are, and numb what we’re feeling.

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