light and momentary.

Light and momentary.

I am convinced that time magnifies our struggles.  I have been greatly struggling with seemingly big things recently.  I’m not graduating next semester like I had planned.  That’s huge.  I’ve been studying in school for the past 5 years in anticipation of graduating with a  Music Education degree.  When all of a sudden you’re thrown a curveball and you realize that’s not actually possible, it kind of stresses you out a bit.

I’ve realized the way I deal with stress is ignoring it.  Or thinking about it way too much and trying to figure out ways to fix it, even though there is no way to actually fix it.  I do this a lot with the frustrations I have in life in general.  But thinking about it doesn’t really help my cause.

It’s hard when you’re in a place where you want to move but you have no place to move, or when your life is on “pause” and everyone else’s life continues to speed on forward.  I’m wrestling with the stillness I feel from God and the frustration I feel from his silence.  I want an answer, I want to move on, and I want to know where to move, but I have no guidance.  I feel like I have no options.  And so I’m stuck in the stillness of the waves surrounding me.

As humans it’s hard for us to stay.  To be stagnant and still in the presence of God.  We feel this need to constantly be moving, to constantly be making progress and going somewhere.  What if God wants us to sometimes be still in his presence?  Embrace him and trust that his waves will guide us where he wants us?  I think this is scary for us because then we feel out of control.  We feel like we need to constantly be moving so we have some sort of control of what is happening in our lives, when the truth is, we have no control.

I’ve described to several people, I feel like my time at Wheaton has been me trying to climb this mountain, that’s covered with ice.  I’m climbing and moving my legs and arms, and I’m getting no where.  The peak keeps moving further and further away.  Another image I have is of me swimming in this massive ocean, and I’ve been swimming towards where I think is land for the past 5 years.  When I finally think I’ve reached the land, it turns out it wasn’t real.  And now I have another 1.5 years that I’m going to be swimming to get to the next place I think is land.

This is just frustrating to me.  I like the ocean image because it shows how completely overwhelming my situation is.  I’m engulfed by the sea around me and I’m tired and really feel like I have no place to go.  God is teaching me something, something about who he is that I’ve struggled to learn.  I’m learning to trust him when really, there aren’t many options for me.  I’m learning to trust that he has a plan when it feels like there is no plan in front of me.

I can’t say this is easy.  Because it’s not.  I’m struggling with it and I have been struggling with it for the past 3 weeks.  I’m tired and weary, and giving up sounds so good right now.  But I’m clinging to the truth.  And that truth will guide me where I’m supposed to be.

I wrote this song in light of what I’m dealing with:

Troubles

The period of waiting is often a hard one.  But I’m learning and trusting.  Luckily, I have eternity to look forward to.  And my momentary troubles with getting a college degree is next to nothing in comparison to the life I will have worshipping my God.  I am thankful for that.

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