homelessness and breaks.

Well.  Today started by me waking up a half hour later than I wanted.  I drove to McDonald’s and they got my order wrong.  And I then drove to Starbucks and locked my car without checking if I had my keys first.  On top of that, the homework I was going to work on, is in the car.  Somewhere.  You get a sense of how I’m feeling right now.  Not only that, but tomorrow starts our thanksgiving break.  I hate breaks.  I hate when there are times when you are supposed to go home and celebrate a holiday with your family.  I love my family, but it is truthfully very hard for me to handle going home.  And I feel like I’m the only one who struggles with it.

My mom has been bothering me for the past month about coming home.  Every text is “Are you coming home? What are you doing?  Why can’t you come home? What’s going on?  You should come home because of _________.  Why aren’t you coming home?  What else would you do?”  And I’m not exaggerating.  Seriously every inkling I had to go home was just demolished by the constant asking of what I’m doing and why I’m not coming home.  It stresses me out, because honestly, I hadn’t thought about it at that time, and I still haven’t thought about it.

I feel like I am the only one who feels this way and that’s truly frustrating and painful.  Because of my struggle of not wanting to go home, I feel isolated because everyone else looks forward to breaks to spend with their families.  I have been blessed to have people in my life who have graciously offered their homes to me, and I am so thankful for them.  But I really feel like I’m the only one who struggles to go home.    I love my family, but it takes a lot of effort for me to handle going home and spending time with them because it is stressful.  Am I really the only one who feels this way?  Everyone else in my life always seems so excited to go home and really ready for the break.  For me, breaks like this aren’t breaks unless I’m going to a friends house.  

So here I am, at Starbucks with my keys most likely locked in my car, no phone, and no homework I was going to work on.  I would use a public phone at Starbucks, but I don’t have Kelly’s (the mother of the family I live with) phone number memorized.  For that matter, the only phone numbers I have memorized are my best friend’s and my mom’s.  Both of which are irrelevant and useless at this point.  Last night,  instead of working on homework, I was re-recording my song, “Oh, my Love” and writing a new song with a loop.  Which I’ve never done before so that was fun.  But I didn’t get anything done.  

Breaks will always be some form of stress for me, just by their very nature.  It’s hard when there is an assumption that everyone loves breaks.  And don’t get me wrong, I love breaks from school.  Being able to not have to do homework is wonderful.  But the second part of that is usually going home, and I quite honestly don’t feel like I have a home anymore.  There is no place I feel a particular tug towards; no place I would consider “home”.  I have places different places where I have a concentration of friends (Ohio), and I have other places where my friends have ended up, but really no place I would want to go to for a break. 

I feel like there is this assumption that breaks are great for everyone!  But they aren’t.  I am going to miss having people to spend time with and I’m going to miss being with people who aren’t my family.  Maybe I’m crazy, but I’m going to miss the routine of school, not necessarily school itself, but the routine that I’ve been in for the past several months.  I’m going to be just as stressed out these next few days in my considerations going home as I have been this whole semester.  To those of you who enjoy breaks, consider having grace for this who really don’t enjoy the holidays or breaks. There’s probably something deeper going on in their frustrations and isolation, and they aren’t crazy, maybe you are.

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