the questioning soul

Today’s small group was so good.  I shared my story and also felt like God was leading in our conversations today as well.  Our conversation led me to think about my relationship with Christ in a way that I haven’t thought about in awhile.  It made me question whether my relationship with Christ was real and whether he actually was working in my life even when it didn’t feel like it.

My faith was not my own until the summer after my seventh grade year.  That was when I realized I needed a restart; I needed to change. It was a breaking point in my life where I needed to either be following Christ, or I was going to be dead for the rest of my life.  God humbled me enough where I fell to my knees in complete and utter inability to continue with my life, unless his forgiveness and favor fell on me.  This was the beginning of my journey of walking with Christ.

I think my story is different than many Christians, especially those that I encounter at Wheaton.  Mostly because the people at Wheaton almost all have similar stories.  They mostly all grew up in Christian homes, which Christian parents, and their testimony extends practically back to when they were in the womb (not really, but you understand what I mean).

For Christians like this, I think it’s easy for them to find an ideal in their relationship with Christ and fixate on it.  It’s hard to be sitting in questions and not feeling God and his presence in your life.  It’s mainly hard because faith has always been innate in their nature.  The gospel has always made sense to them, and trusting and having faith in God has always been easy.

For me, questioning is easier.  I can’t say it’s super easy because it’s not, it’s still challenging.  But I think the uncomfortable feelings of questioning my faith come more naturally because I questioned God from the start.  The reason I am explaining this is because, as Christians, we feel the need to always know the answers and to always be comfortable with the “this is right, this is wrong”.  But the more I’m learning, the more I’m realizing that life isn’t about the easy neatly packaged answers.  Life is about the messy, frustrating, anger inducing questions that we can’t answer, and I don’t think God ever intended us to answer.

This is going to be a short entry (I’ve been very distracted tonight for multiple reasons).  But I want to challenge you to question.  I want you to challenge the idea that questioning isn’t a lack of faith, but rather a strengthening of faith.  I saw on my news feed this “Commitment+Doubt= Growth”.  That equation is exactly my point.  When we cling to Christ in our doubts and questions, that is when God can more fully show us who he is.  God uses our questions to prove his mercy and faithfulness to us everyday of our lives.  Maybe as Christians we should see questioning our faith as a way to grow and understand more fully who we are as humans and more fully who God is.

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