weary.

“I am weary with the pain of Jacob’s wrestling/ In the darkness with the fear, in the darkness with the fear/ but he met the morning wounded with a blessing/ So in the night my hope lives on.” In the Night (My hope lives on) by Andrew Peterson

The words to this song describe exactly how I’m feeling right now.  My heart is weary and tired.  I’m drained emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  I feel as though I’m wrestling with God.  I’m confused, hurting, and honestly nothing seems to be going right.  I’m tired of school, routine, and the monotony of my life.  I’m questioning everything.  And most of all, I’m hurting.

I’m hurting from loneliness, loss of solid relationships, anger, frustrations with my family, death, pain, and suffering.  I’m tired of hurting.  I’m tired of broken relationships, hurting family members, and my frustrations with it all. I’m weary of life.

I wish I could sleep right now, but I can’t.  I keep thinking about death; how someone can be here one second and gone the next.  Death is so unnatural.  My brother texted me earlier today and told me how one of my high school teacher’s wives died.  I didn’t have the privilege of knowing her, nor did I really know him either.  But this recent death just brought back all sorts of feelings of death.

I’m not planning on writing in this blog everyday, even though it’s kind of nice to just write especially when I’m having one of my insomniac nights.  I also don’t want to be a downer, but I am weary tonight.  My weariness is beyond being physically tired, but I am weary of the brokenness of this world.

One of the things I love about that song I quoted above, is the second to last and last verse says this:

“I remember how they scorned the son of Mary/ He was gentle as a lamb, gentle as a lamb/ He was beaten, he was crucified, and buried/ And in the night, my hope was gone./ But the rulers of the earth could not control Him/ They did not take his life, he laid it down/ All the chains of earth could never hope to hold him/ So in the night my hope lives on.”

It’s encouraging to know that I’m not made to be here on earth forever.  My prayer is that God would take my weariness and change it to joy.  I pray that He would allow me to see the blessings as well as the struggles, pain, and suffering that I so easily see and feel.  I also pray he helps me to see why I’m still here on earth, and I pray he shows me his purpose for me.

In the night, my hope was gone, but it also lives on.  In the darkness, I have lost my hope, but my hope also lives and grows in the darkness.  It’s a cool little tension there.  I’m thankful for the darkness I’m sitting in, and I’m thankful for the hope that I have despite how thick and heavy the darkness is.

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