I haven’t posted anything in awhile, and I’m not very good at consistency. But I decided I’m going to start posting more consistently. I want to use blogging as a way to be real. I don’t want to post artificial, surface level thoughts or feelings that are going on in my mind. I want this to be a place to share with others where I am at. And sometimes where I am at is not as pretty and fluffy as society wants me to be.
I am starting my fifth year at Wheaton College and I truly didn’t expect it to be as challenging as it has been. Not only do my classes and homework take up the majority of my time, I am also working at Naperville Music which takes up my two free evenings. Emotionally, I truly don’t want to be in class at Wheaton anymore. I don’t want to be here when I’m watching all of my friends living their own independent lives, getting married, and moving on. Classes started on the 28th of August and the first 3 days of class have been draining in every possible way. The work hit me like a brick wall. I am overwhelmed and honestly questioning how I was going to do this at all. I still am.
I have been longing to have a close relationship where I can come to them and be honest. One of my close friendships is going through a rough season that seems endless. I feel as though I don’t have close relationships to come and be real with people. That has been isolating and frustrating to not be heard. It has also been frustrating to not feel cared for and listened to.
Through the pain of brokenness in relationship and community, I have felt God’s presence more than I have in the past 4 years at Wheaton. I have honestly reached out, cried, begged, and yelled at God more in the past several weeks, and months than I have my entire life. Although nothing has seemingly changed, and nothing seems to be changing, I am clinging to Christ. In my frustrations and pain with my broken relationship and in the stress of trying to figure out how I am going to complete all of my classes well, I am clinging to the God who put those situations in my life. I have nothing else I can do except cling to Him.
I am confident, that in my clinging, begging, and crying, God is working. He has been working, despite my lack of faithfulness, and he will continue to work. That is why I am blessed. God has given me community outside of Wheaton that I can’t express how thankful I am for. He has also given me friends here at Wheaton who care about me enough to let me tag along with them. I feel supported and loved outside of a broken relationship and loss of community, and therefore, I am blessed.